Goodbye, Oprah, but her efforts should continue

This week on May 25th, I said goodbye to Oprah. Anyone that knows me, understands that I am a true Oprah fan. I am an Oprah baby. The show started in 1986 and I was about 8 years old. I remember watching her show with my Mom or Grandmother. I can remember being in awe that a Black woman was leading a show. At the time, the Cosby Show was on so I had positive reinforcements, but Oprah showed that a woman, Black woman, could be in charge of her world. She opened up the possibilities. While it is sad that you are judged by your weight, I felt comfort in Oprah because she didn't fit the normal demographic. She looked like people I knew in the African-American community. Oprah was familiar.

As time went on, Oprah became the authority. She shared wisdom, intentions, and forgiveness. I found that what she mentioned on the show assisted me in understanding different aspects of my life. What set her apart was that you could tell that she was on the search to find the answers as well. It never came from a place of judgement or as if she was better than you. Whether it was Iyanla Vanzant, Dr. Phil, or Bob Greene, you could see that Oprah was drinking in the same advice that you were. You could see that she was searching for the same answers.

I have been blessed to attend four tapings of her show. The first, I was invited by my best friend. I remember it feeling surreal to be at Harpo Studios. I can remember sitting in chair in the audience waiting area and believe that I was meant to be with. I spent five years trying to get there and, magically, my best friend was able to get tickets. They called names, I remember praying that they would call my friends' party, but I knew that they were pre-planned. But somehow, we ended up being called very early in the numbers. I raced down  the steps and through the doors, only to be stunned by the reality that I was where I was hoping to be. At that moment fate stepped in, my best friends' mother had been re-routed to rafter seating on the other side. My bestie stepped beside me and we looked lost until a Producer approached us. We asked where should we go. She looked at us for a minute and directed us to a rafter on the right of the stage. Then, she stopped and looked at our bright colors again. She said, "actually, come with me". We followed her and she led us past everyone to seats at the front of the stage.

I could hardly believe it. Oprah walked past me onto the stage and sat inches away from me during the broadcast. I have to admit that I was reading her teleprompter over her shoulder throughout the telecast. The show was the last episode of Oprah and Gayle traveling across country. At the end of the show, Oprah told us that she was taping for her radio show. We were allowed to ask questions. Even though I was nervous, my arm shot up in the air. She swiveled in her chair to see behind her and looked me in my eyes. I told her that I was adept at providing advice for everyone else on their problem, but I was unable to see my own. She looked at me and told me that I didn't want to. I remember feeling anger flow through me. Who was she to tell me that I didn't want to see my own issues. But, it didn't take long for me to realize that she was right and tears spilled from my eyes. Oprah asked me why I was crying and I could barely answer, but it was because I understood that I didn't want to know my own pain.

At the conclusion of show, Oprah looked me in the eyes and, silently, sympathized with me. In that moment, she saw me, she heard me and what I said mattered to her. I was able to attend the Oscar show and other shows, but I never forgot that moment. She changed my life. I began to really analyze my thoughts and understand that I was a big part of my challenges.

As this week passed, I have shed tears. Some of them, in memory of the person that sent me on my spiritual journey, but others because there is no more Oprah  Book Club. I used to have dreams of being apart of the Book Club and invited to speak about a book. I understand that it's not as likely anymore, but I don't doubt that I won't be able to thank Oprah at some point. She changed my life. She told me that being a writer is something to be celebrated.

We all have a duty to carry on this legacy. Illiteracy is unacceptable. As far as Oprah, she deserves a break. But, as she says that you receive an equal reaction. I have a desire to meet and be mentored by her and I have to believe that the Universe agrees.Whether that happens or not, is not important. I hope you can create your own understanding of you and decide your own next steps. What I've figured out about life is that we are all nurtured and born in the dark. Once we have our own life, it's our right and our job to find the light. If we are lucky, someone will pull us along and guide us to the light. And we will see life as it was supposed to be seen, a gift and blessing. We cry in the beginning, but if we're fortunate, we smile in the end.

It's deeper than I thought

I've been on this enlightenment journey for the past three or four years. I really thought I was starting to get it. What I realized is that when you think you are starting to get it is probably when you are in trouble. I thought I figured it all out. Forgiveness and suffering. Forgiveness is necessary and I choose not to suffer. I choose happiness. It's that simple, right. Wrong. Oh so, wrong.

I thought I was holding it all together until I got the news that my estranged father died. I spent, at least, the last five years of my life telling myself that I had forgiven him and I was okay with the role he played in my life. I told myself that I wished him well. The news of his death rocked me to my core. Suddenly, I was a mix of emotions. I bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball. Sadness flowed into anger. Anger into regret. Regret into silence. I became numb from my feelings as I pushed them deep down inside me. I told myself that because we were estranged that I had no right to feel anything. I thought that I had made peace and decided what our relationship would be, so I had to live with my choices. I had no right to feel anything. I know now that I was forcing myself to suffer.

What I should've done was allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling and not tried to verify or justify it.  It was a feeling and it was real. That's all that mattered. At times, I was an angry teenager that missed him and was mad at him for not being in my life. At other times, I was the little girl that adored her Daddy and thought that the world started and stopped when he looked at me with love. And, there were also times when I was the pragmatic woman that understand that this moment was less about her and her feelings and more about his life and honoring him. He had given her life, served his country and, at one time, loved her mother. He deserved to be honored. If the Bible teaches you one thing, it is that broken men can accomplish great things.

What I understand now is that I wasn't loving myself in that process, I sentenced myself to suffering. I did not allow my feelings to be what they are without putting judgement and labeling on them. Since then, I have learned what "not suffering" means. I thought I knew, but I was so wrong. My way of "not suffering" was to clench my jaw, tighten my muscles and ignore my feelings. When you deny the reality of the moment and you stuff your feelings somewhere deep inside, you are suffering. Recently, this all changed for me.

I read an article that instructed me to try something different to stop suffering. It told me to tap into my feelings, understand them and allow them to be. It asked me to sit with them. At first, it seemed like the scariest thing anyone could ask of me. I am a master of distraction. When I'm feeling uncomfortable, I can redirect myself or someone else with a laugh, a song or a task. The first thing I had to do was to figure out what was going on in my body. I sat, silently, and felt my body from the inside. I rarely did this, so it was foreign to me.  I realized that the muscles, all over my body, were constricted. My jaw was clenched tight and I was grinding my teeth. The next step asked me to put words to what I was feeling. I grabbed a tablet and pen and the words came pouring out.

Anger, regret, hurt, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, invisible, frustrated, guilt, lost, failure, disappointment, alone, ignored, forgotten, fake, stupid, and sad. I looked down at the page. My eyes scanned the list and, at first, I didn't want to connect with any of those words. Denial kicked in and I told myself that I was crazy to feel like that. The exercise asked me to sit with those feelings. I took a deep breath and scanned the list again. This time, I stopped at each word and let it rest in my mind. As it did, it connected with the piece of myself that has been telling me that it's apart of my story. Surprisingly, as I acknowledged it, it no longer held as much power. I felt the pain subside. The other thing that happened was that I felt sympathetic towards me. I loved myself through those words. When I understood that I was walking around carrying all of this, I couldn't feel anything but sympathy for me. Finally, the love I gave others was available for me.

This exercise changed me. I'm more in touch with my feelings. Whenever I become aware that my muscles are clenched and my mind is racing, I tune into my thoughts and feelings and figure out how I feel. At that moment, I decide to allow myself to feel the feelings and it's okay. I have found that my world is no longer rocked. I'm much calmer about things. My feelings don't overwhelm me. They are not outside of myself. I feel them. I appreciate them and I understand that they are there to get me through that moment.

Interestingly, connecting with my own emotions has helped me heal and deal with my father's passing.  I understand that we were both doing the best we could at the moment. Just because he didn't love me in the way that I needed to see it, it doesn't mean that he didn't love me. And being angry about that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human.

Reference: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Two-Questions-That-Could-Change-Your-Life

Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life

"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives."- Tony Robbins


  There was a point in time when I thought, like Charlie Brown, that there was a dark cloud over my life. I thought God loved everyone else but, somehow, he decided that my life had to be difficult. I felt abandoned, lonely and placed a bunch of guilt on myself. I watched relationships crumble with little to no explanation. I destroyed quite a few, bombed them in a preemptive strike. The common denominator in all of my problems was always, me. In the story I told myself about me, I was a victim of circumstance. If the light bill was too high this month, it wasn't that I burned electricity, it was because I had a magnetic force in my life that attracted misfortune. 


It took a long time for me to open my eyes. I was very resistant at first, because it was easier to be a victim of turmoil than it was to take responsibility or any part of it. If I could sit back and act like an innocent bystander, I didn't have to take any of the blame. The reality was that I had this story in my head that told me that this was my life. While I questioned everything else, I never questioned this story. I never wondered why God would give up on me. I convinced myself that God had a perfectly good reason. But, I knew that I was a good person in my heart, so it conflicted. 


It started slow. I started listening to the voices that were bouncing around in my head. I would think about doing something and they would start whispering, "You can't do that". "Who do you think you are?" "That's only for people with money and you'll never have enough money to do that." "We don't do that." No one wants to believe that those voices are playing in the background, but they are and like a tape. They play all day, subliminally preventing you from doing what you need to do. They tell you to lay back down when you get the idea to go take care of something. They create fear and work against you when you decide to strike out.


Don't get me wrong, sometimes they are good. It's your internal alarm system. Those voices tell you not to touch fire or don't step out in front of speeding car. But, they can be over-programmed when you've experience things in your life that send them into overprotective mode. It's very similar to the car that you get close enough, just to look at it, and it's alarm system is screeching. The system is overly sensitive. But, sometimes, it's unhealthy. That's when it's time to check those negative thoughts that are running in the background like a ticker. Otherwise, they can lead you to depression, hysteria or a total shut down. 


Here's the truth. There is nothing bad about you. All of us are born pure and good. We are corrupted by the fears of our surroundings. But, you don't have to be a victim of that forever. You can decide to be different. We were given free will and every moment is a choice. Choose to tune into that negative thinking. The next time you feel a sense of dread, stop and hear what is going on in your head. Is it negative noise? Constant Chatter? How do you stop it?


CHALLENGE IT. Is it true? Is what is being said true? Ask yourself. Once you tell yourself it's not true, it will shut up. Trust me. And when it shuts up, it's not creating havoc in your life. Whether you believe it or not, this negative background noise is manifesting in your life exactly what you DON'T want. If you want to cutoff the drama, you have to tune into the negativity. 


As, Tony said, beliefs have the power to create. What do you incorrectly believe about yourself that is creating issues and havoc in your life? You were born to be loved and happy. The only way to manifest happiness is to get rid of all this noise that tells you otherwise. It doesn't serve you and in the story of your life, I hope you can believe that you were meant to be happy. It's true. 

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”- C.S. Lewis


I read this quote and I can definitely tell you that loving someone is probably the scariest thing to do in life. When you do it right, you are opening yourself up to someone and showing them everything you hide from everyone else. It's like giving someone keys to your home and spending all day wondering if you will come home to find all your furniture stolen. Trust is a delicate and fragile thing. Despite what people like to believe trust is not readily given, it's earned. When you get hired for a job, they have a probationary period where they decide if you're a fit or if they made a mistake. It's pretty much the same in life whether you believe it or not. Family is probably the only exception to the rule, but they are probably the worst offenders when it comes to trust and love. But that is another topic for another day. 


If we all want love, why is it so difficult? Fear. The fear of getting hurt is a significant and real fear, especially if you have been hurt in the past. It's not just relationships with the opposite sex that could have left emotional damage in it's wake. It's parental, family and friendships. The collapse of any relationship or loving someone that doesn't love you back can affect your level of trust and openness. Job loss, business collapse or general failure in life can also affect your ability to trust people and situations. We are all made up of experiences and each one changes us and pushes us to evolve. We are all wounded in some type of way from the time that we are children into our adulthood. Our job is to understand how it affects us. 


Earlier,  I compared love to the fear of a home invasion. Similarly, if your home was invaded, the typical person would buy an alarm system and find ways to protect their home. This occurs as well in the mind. When you are young and you suffer an emotional or psychological blow, your mind sets up an alarm system to protect you from the same situation. When you get older, this fear makes loving someone very difficult because you have all these safety measures that are trying to protect you from the wrong person that can equally chase the right person away. Unless that person understands it and feels that you are worth all the work of getting past your walls. 


As a young girl, fairy tales convince you that a Prince will show up and rescue you from danger. I used to think that it was a cheat to watch these movies because it doesn't happen. Surprisingly, I know now that the fairy tales are correct. You have to look at them a different way. All the drama that occurs in the fairy tales are acts that can occur in your personal alarm protection system. You can lock your heart up in the castle with thorn bushes, a moat and a dragon outside. Or you could be the evil queen that poisons every opportunity at love in your life. Or maybe, you are asleep and waiting for love to wake you up when it's right in front of you. That other person doesn't have to rescue you, but if you are lucky they won't give up on you. They will try to pass every test to prove to you what you should know, that you are lovable. 


Love is not a destination. It's a journey. It's something you choose everyday. It requires for you to choose everyday to turn off that alarm. You have to not only welcome them into your home, but make a place for them. Clear out a drawer or a closet and allow them to be themselves. But, if you can do that, you will be rewarded with the love you desire. In all truth, you want to be loved and your heart is always willing to follow all the rules that need to be followed to get that love. And, guess what, if that person you allow in turns out to be a thief than be generous and allow them the little bit of love they stole. Trust me, they need it. If you are good enough to do that, you are guaranteed to get more love. But, if you allow the thief to make you put your love into a prison, you are robbing someone else of the best of you. 

Diggin in the Crates- Romantic Movie

For a romantic evening, you can't go wrong with Love Jones.
Love Jones (1997)

Darius Lovehall (Larenz Tate) is a talented poet, who is preparing to embark on a labor of love in writing his first novel. In walks, the beautiful photographer, Nina Moseley (Nia Long). Darius' focus changes to getting to know the inner workings of Nina against a backdrop of poetry, music and dramatic artistry. Their complicated love story plays out with a true feel to a relationship with all its frustrations, hurt and misunderstandings. You will root for the lovers while they serenade you with music, poems and visual delights. And yes, there's even dancing.

Break out your popcorn and turn down the lights for this one. Enjoy!

Why Romance?

Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

Here is a simple equation for romance:

Love + desire + creativity - you= romance

This may prove surprising. You are probably wondering why it is minus you and not plus you. The reason is because romance is NOT about you. It's about her. If you tell yourself that you are not the romantic type, get over it. It's not about you, it's about her. If she likes romance, you need to become a romantic.

I'm sure you feel like I'm not being fair. But I challenge women to become something for their men as well. If you like to eat, I think she should learn how to boil water or dial the hell out of some numbers to produce dinner. If you like lingerie, she should make an effort to purchase and wear something lacy or skanky (depending on your taste). Trust me, there is a give and take here. However, you are more likely to get that boiled water or lacy underwear when you are turning her world into a romantic fantasy.

So, now that we covered why your feelings about romance don't matter. Let's get to creativity. Some women are easy. Flowers or plants will do. If she has a hobby, buy new materials for her hobby. You don't have to be outrageous unless you have the type of woman that will appreciate it. Some women are embarrassed by grand gestures. But, if you have a woman that is game and you are creative, enjoy yourself. Go Big. Make moments. Creativity is really about making moments. Create the type of moments that you will hear her telling your daughter and granddaughter. When you do that, you go down in history and set the expectations for the boyfriends and husbands in your daughter or granddaughter's future. They will long for the type of romance you created and you become a legend. Maybe it is about you, after all.

Love. If you love your girlfriend or wife, you probably enjoy seeing her happy. If happy is good for you, over the moon will have you puffing out your chest in pride.  In life, you may never win an Oscar or a Grammy but if you can make a difference in the life of someone you love, it comes with its own rewards. She will have the memory of how she felt during the event and you will have the memory of how happy you made her. When you're both old and gray, even if she can't remember where she left her glasses, she will still be able to recall that day that you made her fall in love all over again. And that is priceless.

Desire, Desire is probably the hardest thing to hold on and generate in a relationship. The longer you stay together and the more you get to know each other, the mystery that sparks excitement can slowly disappear. As the last ember dies out, desire will fade like a ghost as well. Think about it If someone gave you your favorite food every day for a year. It would be great, at first. Over time, you know what to expect. You know what it's going to taste like. You lose your desire to have that meal. But, add some variety and that meal is suddenly desired again. Don't get me wrong, there is a comfort in being with the same person. But, if you keep the desire between you, it makes life that much sweeter. I always carry this vivid image of the Cosby Show. Cliff was a doctor and Claire was a lawyer and they had five children. They had every reason to be TOO TIRED to do anything. Yet, while Cliff was sitting on the couch relaxing, he would put his wife's feet into his lap and massage her feet. It's endearing to see how much he values his wife. A real-life image that mirrors this is Barack Obama and Michelle Obama. You can see it in their eyes as they look at each other or when President Obama is checking out (yes, he's checking her out) his wife from afar. If he can lead the country and still make time to romance his wife, you have absolutely NO excuse.

It doesn't have to break the bank

It's funny how men hate romantic movies, but they often try to recreate the sweeping romantic gestures without the matching budget. To some men, Romance must include a car (they can't afford) to drive them to a restaurant (they can't afford) to eat food (they don't like). It doesn't have to be that way. Romancing your wife or girlfriend is not the same as trying to impress the head cheerleader in high school. Your wife or girlfriend is already into you. And if you share a budget, she will not be impressed with you spending her shoe or grocery money on an evening of excess. You don't have to go overboard. You don't have to wait for your tax refund.

And here's a big one: YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR A HOLIDAY (i.e. Valentine's Day)

Romance can happen every day and at any budget. It's very simple. You might read this and say to yourself, "my wife won't accept anything less than diamonds, so I'm going to save up for the next two years and then she will be surprised." Well, actually, you might be surprised by divorce papers. You can't WAIT to be romantic or you will be WAITING to have sex (until a holiday, i.e., your birthday).

Here are some simple tips:

• Buy some colorful post-it notes. (bonus for heart-shaped) Each day, leave your wife a little note to let her know that you care. Not, "honey, can you pick up the dry-cleaning?" Try to be a little bit more loving than that. Speak from your heart. 
• Send Romantic Poems from your cellphone. They have an app for that. 
• Make dinner for her. Maybe you can't cook, try breakfast.  If you are culinary-challenged, buy dinner from her favorite place. Trust me, anything that gives her the opportunity to relax and not cook will work wonders.
• Run her a bubble-bath. (bonus for candles or rose petals) Tell her to relax with a glass of wine while you put the kids to bed. 
• On an evening where you normally go to sleep, read to her or invite her to watch an old movie you enjoyed when you first started dating. Or, if you are good at massage then break out the oils. 
• Go for a walk. A walk is an opportunity to workout your body and your day. You can reconnect while raising endorphins and burning calories.  

• Movies or Theater and  Dinner. A night on the town is just what the doctor ordered. But, you should try to plan as much as possible. It's not as much fun when she has to do all the planning. If she picks the show, you choose the restaurant. 
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend, but pearls and other jewels work too. Gold earrings might be her thing. Whatever it is, do it in a way that she won't expect. 
• Do things that you used to do. Whatever that may be. Remind her of that she is still the girl that you fell in love with. 

These are just a few things you can do and I don't think I broke the bank. Notice, there was no mention of Bentleys, helicopters or bottles of Dom Perignon. Keep it simple, stupid. Unless you hit the lottery or become a millionaire, then the sky is the limit.